I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
