Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
