Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The Olympian is in my bed
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
