Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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