my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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