I didn't shave. On purpose
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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