im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
