I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
