Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
