He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
