Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
