between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
