Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
