Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
