I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
