Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
