A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
