Can i not drive my cunt home
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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