Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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