Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
