U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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