So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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