I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
