that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
