I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
