is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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