just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
