Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
