I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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