You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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