So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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