allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
