He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
