hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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