The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
