don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
