Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
