Apparently you make a good broom.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
