Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
