Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
