...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
