Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
