I am puke
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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