I just saw a hot homeless man
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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