I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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