Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Alive.
So much puke
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
