No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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