watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
