Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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