When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
