we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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